Adoption FAQ

We get asked a lot of questions about our adoption journey. Some, however well intentioned, can re-open wounds that still haven't healed. Infertility is something that is not fun to talk about. I know a lot of you who have known me for a while have heard this response to the question, "When are you going to have kids?" "Well, I keep checking to see if I can get one on E-bay." I know it sounds callous and horrible, but sometimes questions like that require a glib answer because the real answer is too painful to contemplate. So here goes, some of the most common questions we get asked, and my best attempt at non-glib responses.

How is your adoption going?
This is a painful question because there are only 2 possible responses, "Here, let me introduce you to my new son/daughter." or "It's not." We live in a life that demands everything to have an observable, linear progression. Please see this article for my thoughts on this topic.

How long do you have to wait?
There is no set waiting period. We wait until we are chosen. That being said, there are couples who were placed within a few short weeks of being approved. Others have waited 5 years or more.

Why is it so uncertain, aren't you on a waiting list?
There is no waiting list. We are waiting for somebody who is single and pregnant and who decides to place her child for adoption, to choose us to be the parents of her child. And you're right, it can be frustrating to see people who were approved later than us already being placed.

Isn't that unfair?
It can seem that way, can't it? But it's not about what's fair...it's about what's best for that mother and her baby. One of God's greatest gifts is Agency.

How are you coping?
The Prophet Joseph Smith said, "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfuly do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." (D&C 123:17) We're trying to do that. We're involved with our local chapter of Families Supporting Adoption. We're on the activities committee and Ron is involved with outreach. He does presentations at area schools and wards on the subject of adoption. We're trying to do things to strengthen our testimonies and become better people while we're waiting.

How can I help you?
Be supportive. Realize that there will be times that we just don't want to talk about it. Other times we will very much need to talk about it.
Become an adoption advocate. Stay tuned for more ideas on how to be an adoption advocate.
If you know an unwed mother, refer her to the local LDS Family Services Agency so that she can recieve counseling. She doesn't have to even be contemplating adoption. Many unwed mothers feel scared and alone. They don't know who to talk to and many are scared to discuss it with her parents or church leaders. LDSFS provides services to any birthmother who asks. She doesn't have to be LDS. She doesn't need a referal from a bishop. She doesn't have to be planning on placing her child. Once there she will be assigned a loving, caring social worker who will help her understand her options so that she can make informed choices. The counseling provided to her is free.
If you know of someone who IS contemplating placing her child, tactfully tell her about us.

I hope that this gives you at least a small peek in to the questions and emotions that we are struggling with.