Before we adopted we started talking with many adoptive parents. We wanted to know their thoughts about adoption and we wanted to hear them express their feelings. One day we went to a gathering of several adoptive parents. We started talking about their children and mentioning some of their physical characteristics. At one point we talked about how one of the children had curly hair. So I said something about the adoptive father having curly hair.
That's when I noticed the looks on the adoptive parents' faces.
Instinctively it made them want to tell me their child was adopted (even though they already knew I knew they were adopted).
I know now it's an instinct because at times I've felt the same way when someone says something about my children. I have to remind myself that what I meant was, this child has curly hair, this father has curly hair, they'll know how to handle curly hair.
But an adoptive parent's first thought is to educate. We instinctively want to educate everyone about adoption. I understand that now, but I didn't think about it at all before. All I was saying was I saw a similarity. Do we always have to point out the differences, too? Do we have to bring up our children's genes and the fact that they are different all the time? Really, there is no way to know what is nature and what is nurture. I'm certainly not advocating we stop educating people in general about adoption, but I think it's important to NOT over-analyze every comment.
Has this ever happened to you?
Ha ha, I've had this happen as a commenter - we have some friends whose adopted child looks just like one of the family, and whenever he does something just like his parents, my first reaction is to say, "you look just like your dad!" and then I catch myself and feel all awkward wondering if that's a tacky thing to say or not :) If I was really as brave as I think I am, I would just ask the person's opinion!
ReplyDeleteI tend to jump in and say my kids were adopted because I feel like I am deceiving them when someone makes a comment like that and I don't say something. But if people know my kids are adopted, I love when they make comparisons personality wise.
ReplyDeleteBrenley
Christine - You should ask them! I'm sure a lot of parents feel differently on this subject.
ReplyDeleteBrenley - I feel it's deceptive too if I don't tell people they're adopted. At the same time I've read some blogs of children who were adopted and they don't always like this.
- Jessica (stupid blogger doesn't even let me comment on my own blog!!!)