Right now I'm feeling stressed out.
Like the pull-your-hair-out kind.
It all started last month when we decided to apply to adopt again.
We have waited the required year and decided we better not wait longer.
I think somehow during the past year I managed to convince myself that this time would be different...this time would be easier on me.
Easier simply because we've done this before.
Not to sound pessimistic, but I was wrong.
Adoption is not easy.
I can honestly say I love adoption.
I can honestly say I hate the process.
Last time we were blissfully unaware of the process.
Unaware, at least in the beginning, of the pain that comes while searching for our family.
Last time we were excited for adoption. Excited to build our family. Happy to have a plan and thinking it would happen quickly because we were ready.
Last time we rode the rollercoaster up and down and up and down - we did this for so long our hearts were broken.
We wanted to give up, but we couldn't. We knew what was at stake.
And then finally we adopted our little ZJ.
Adoption blessed us so richly!
So this time I thought it would be easier. It had to be easier.
Afterall we have our ZJ. We are parents! We have someone to call us mommy and daddy. We have someone to take care of and love.
We are happy!
But this time is not easier. It's stressful. The blissfull ignorance is gone.
This time I know the process brings pain. This time I've felt the ups and downs and I don't want to do it again.
But I know what's at stake.
I can do this, because I know at some point another angel will choose to give us all our hopes and dreams...a tiny baby; innocent and pure. A new member of our family. Our forever family.
Right now we just need to take each day one at a time.
Matthew 6
30 "Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?"
34 "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself..."
I couldn't have said it better myself. I too thought it would be easier. But it mostly felt like reopening old wounds, and I REALLY struggled for weeks before we got really serious about it again.I have had to find hope in remembering all the moments Heavenly Father's hand got us our McCoy. So I know EXACTLY how you feel and I am sorry!
ReplyDeleteI have had these exact same thoughts and feeling for round three. And while I know that miracles happen and there is plan far beyond what I can see, it doesn't make it any easier. I love adoption. I hate not having any control.
ReplyDeleteGood luck on the adoption process again. You are so right that even though you have been through it once it doesn't get any easier. You are a little more prepared thought. Just keep reminding yourself "its all worth it."
ReplyDeleteJessica, I was reading this, thinking, "That's exactly how I felt when I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd!" "I didn't like being pregnant the first time - this is not going to be enjoyable." The main benefit of my experience is that at least I knew how long it would last. This is one most of us with children can relate to! Having kids is fun, getting them is painful. Good luck! Don't get discouraged!
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